Injury
by Inglorious DMK
Summary: A lot of fics seem to have everything work out in the end and everyone lives happily ever after. But of course, life is hardly ever like that. ReixKai, dark, suicidal thoughts.
1. Kai angsts

Title: Injury

Author: Kameko-chan

Pairings: Kai/Rei

Warnings: Dark. Suicidal thoughts. Weirdness in general.

Notes: This is the rewritten version of this fic, the first was shorter and not posted here. Enkeli from the KaixRei ML said she wanted to see the relationship of this fic discussed further, so I decided to do a bit of rewriting and try to delve a bit deeper into it ^_^; I could have gone further, but I rather like it the length it is now.

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Injury. That's the best way to describe our relationship. One never-ending stream of injury.

Maybe at one point he loved me. Or thought he did, at least. I can remember back when we were first together, how we'd hold each other and share our innermost thoughts in secretive whispers. We'd do the most clichéd things in existence, like staying up to watch the sunrise or going for moonlit walks. Sometimes he'd make up a little song for me on the spot, or I'd quote something obscure and romantic from a novel that I'd read god-knows-when. It was all so sickeningly sweet, and I loved it, relished in it even. I thought it'd last forever.

He was warm back then. His lightest touch lifted my heart and soul and made me believe that all was right with the world. I'd hold him and it would make _me _feel safe. I felt that as long as I had him, this person who was so precious to me, that I was invincible, nothing could harm me. He was everything. 

But that time is long gone. Now our moments are filled with empty touches, vacant stares, and silence. Always that silence, the silence so loud it screams in my ears and tears at my soul. Every moment of it is agony.

I should go. I know I should. Every bit of sanity within me screams to leave him behind, to escape before the suffocating quiet kills me. Get out, it tells me. Leave him, it whispers. And I want to, I really do. I hate staying here with this empty doll in this cage of meaningless routine. But something else inside me _makes_ me stay. Every time I think I've finally worked up the nerve to leave, it draws me back like a moth to a flame. I never learn. I keep coming back. And just like that doomed little moth, I get burned every time. 

It wasn't supposed to be this way. After I told him how I felt and he said he returned the feelings, we were supposed to live happily ever after. I'd spent my days dreaming of all the things we would do together, envisioning a lifetime of rainy afternoons and warm summer evenings. I saw us grow old together, I imagined strolling down the street arm in arm, completely happy and in love. When he said he felt the same, I thought happiness had finally found me.

However, in real life there's no such thing as happily ever after, not for me at least. I barely noticed as our relationship disintegrated. At first, it was just an argument here, a night spent on the couch there, little stuff like that. Then the little gestures like goodbye kisses and reassuring smiles began to occur less and less. When I held him, he no longer felt warm and inviting, but cold, like stone.

Then came the silence. That, more than anything else, more than the absent displays of affection or decidedly frigid attitude, hurt like hell. I missed talking with him; I missed knowing what was going on in his mind. I wanted him to tell me something, _anything_; how his day went, if he found something amusing or annoying or intriguing, I'd have even settled for a grocery list, for Christ's sake! But there was nothing, nothing but realization on my part.

The love was gone.

So then why are we still here, three years later? What keeps us both from turning around and walking out the door, from moving on with our lives and finding people who can truly make us happy, who can love us forever and for always and whom we can love in return? Despite living in the same house and sharing a bed every night, we're perfect strangers. There's nothing left for either of us here.

I know why I haven't. I know exactly why I haven't. Because even though he's left my heart and soul in tatters, I still love him. I love him so much it hurts. I love him to the point of madness. I love him with such blind devotion that he can use me, abuse me, hurt me, and I'll still love him. Love's funny like that, you know. It can strike you so hard and fast that you'll never get over it, and you'll do anything for it. It can shackle you in place and leave your soul in pieces, and all you'll do is beg for more.

Why doesn't he just leave? If he were gone, it would be done with. It would finally be over, I could let go and move on. I can't leave, he knows I can't and never will. But he won't go. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. I don't know why, but he won't leave either. I don't think he _can_. Maybe he still loves me too. Maybe he just can't show it anymore. It's a futile, desperate hope, I realize, but it's the only thing that keeps me going. If the love is still there, somewhere buried beneath the surface, maybe I can resurrect it. I cling to the hope that one day we'll go back to the warm touches and whispered conversations and clichéd romantic outings.

In my heart, though, I know that this will never happen. I don't know why he stopped loving me, but I know he has. The love is never going to return.

With these thoughts, with a constant throb of pain in my heart, the lure of sharpened steel has become more and more difficult to resist. Every time I make dinner or use a pair of scissors or even shave, all I can think about is how easy it would be to end it. A quick meeting of metal and flesh, a warm rush of blood, and I'll be free of this madness. I'll finally be released from the pain. Blessedly free. 

Often I'll even press the instruments against my wrist, on the edge, always so close to going through with it but always pulling back at the last second. It's my last option, after all, my final way out.

Rei...

Please release me. Let me go. You can't keep this phoenix caged. 

You hold the key, but I can pick the lock.

~FIN~

Weirdest thing I have EVER written.

I'm thinking of a companion fic, from Rei's point of view... what do you think?


	2. Rei speaks

Title: Injury; Rei speaks

Author: Kameko-chan

Pairings: Kai/Rei

Warnings: Dark-ish. Unhappy ending.

Notes: Gah, this one's even weirder than the last. Seriously, don't ask. Just don't ask. Rei's POV.

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I'm not sure why I stopped loving you.

It wasn't like when I fell in love with you, where it hit me hard and fast and left me in a wonderful daze. No, falling out of love was different; it was slow, it was painful, it was as though something drained away my soul. And yet I can't remember why, I can't remember what triggered this onslaught of apathy. Why? I try so hard, but I can't think of _why_. Maybe I suppressed it. Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe I'm just an asshole.

Everyone always says, "It's not you, it's me." Everyone says it, in some desperate stab at comfort, but I can't, because I don't know who it is. Maybe something about you makes me hate you. Whose fault would that be, yours or mine? What good would it do, anyways? These labels, the blame game, it's all just in a vain attempt to make sense of something senseless. The reality is madness.

You're dying inside; I can see it happening right before my eyes, day by day. Every time I look, your eyes get a little duller, your voice gets a little softer, your movements a little more listless. If I don't free you from this prison, one day you'll do it yourself. I know it, I've seen that desperate pleading when you've looked at me, on those rare days when you've got enough energy to manage it. _Let me go_, you plead, _let me go before I leave another way. I can't take this life much longer_.

I often wonder why I haven't woken up one day to find an empty apartment. Do you really still feel so attached to me, so tethered, so trapped? Why? Once again, I can't find reason, and maybe I'm not supposed to. I haven't given you any reason to stay, and yet you do. I have no reason to stay, and yet I do. Could it be love? Or is it simply because neither of us has anywhere to go? Your family is dead, and I'm too ashamed of what I've become to go back to mine.

You still look beautiful when you sleep, you know. I wonder what you could be dreaming of to look so peaceful there, awash in moonglow. A life away from me? A life _with_ me? Hell, are you just dreaming of a life? Anything would be better than what we have now. I know, because I've dreamt the same things.

I idly trace your strange blue tattoos, whose origin you wouldn't speak of even when we were talking. You smile, for the first time in _years_ I see you smile, and you lean in gently to the touch. I shiver and pull away quickly, and you look slightly disappointed before you resume your usual sleeping countenance.

God, even after everything I put you through... you still love me, don't you? I know it in an instant, and it scares me. My head swims. A thousand questions you've voiced though your gaze haunt me. A hundred whys I can't answer burn through my brain.

_Why are you here?_

_Why don't you leave me in peace?_

_Why don't you kill me and get it over with?_

_Why don't you love me any more?_

"But I do."

The words slip out before I can stop them. I clamp a hand over my mouth and watch you carefully, but all you do is give a little sigh and roll over. I relax.

Love you? Ha, that's rich. If I truly loved you, I'd have left a long time ago. Shit, if I loved you, we wouldn't be in this situation, right? I'd be happy, you'd be happy, and everything would still be sunshine and rainbows, like in the old days. I can't love you. I refuse to believe that I love you.

Why am I still here, then? Why haven't I moved on with my life, found someone I _can _love?

Why, why, fucking WHY?

I feel a tug as your fingers latch onto my hair while you sleep. Subconsciously, I begin to untangle the strands from your grasp, replacing the sleek black hairs with my fingers. Our hands entwine easily, like an old dance we both know too well.

I look at your hand clasped in mine.

Oh, _shit_. I do love you. In fact, I love you a LOT. Damn it, Kai, I love you _too_ much. I love you so much that I just can't handle it. I love you so much that I had to stop loving you altogether, just to cope.

So, that's the answer to that why. All this time I've put you through hell, and for what? Because I can't cope with my feelings? Because I'm a selfish jackass? I hate myself. I love you.

How do I fix this?

Run.

I've known from the start. I love you too much for it to ever work. _We'll _never work, because I don't have the strength to love you, I don't have the courage. I'm a coward. If I love you as much as I think I might, then I should leave you to pick up the pieces of the life I threw to the floor and ground under my heel. I should let you find someone to help you sweep up the dust.

Strange. The thought of you with someone else doesn't anger me. Doesn't make me feel anything, really.

Love is strange.

It's happening to quickly. I'm packing away my life in a single suitcase with barely a second thought and it's for you, Kai, all for you. The apartment's spinning, or maybe that's just my mind.

I'm packed, I'm ready. I look at you one last time. You're still asleep, still with that same peaceful look that hasn't seen daylight in years.

I wish we could have worked.

I love you.

Of course, you can never know that.

And I'm gone.

Kai knew as soon as he opened his eyes that the other was gone. Rei's very essence had seeped out of the tiny apartment; not even his scent lingered to remind Kai of what had been his life for the last three years.

He was bewildered. He couldn't believe it. After all this time...

"I'm free."

Tears fall.

"I love you, too."

End.


End file.
